Nothing that is broken cannot be made new

He sees you down by the water line
Knows what you're thinking all the time
He sees the rising of the waves
When the tide starts rolling in
He lets you know it's gonna be okay

He sees you dancing in the moonlight
His arms around you hold ya tight
And if those clouds should start to break
He'll be standing out in the rain with you
And though it's hard to believe
He believes in you

God is watching over you
As always
You are loved
Whatever you go through
He's right beside you
God is watching over you
As always
And if you think He'll ever leave you
You better think again

Painted in the sky a rainbow to remind you
Nothing that is broken
Cannot be made new 
He knows when ya feel so far away
He's gonna keep the night light on
He's waiting there to receive you

You are loved
Wherever you go

Through fire, through wind and through rain
Yesterday, today and tomorrow the same
Nothing here can take this love
Nothing you could do will break this love
Climb a tree, gonna reach so high
Swing low sweet chariot
It's time to fly
He sees you down by the water line

Phil Joel - God is Watching Over You

Work...

is awesome. I get outside every day (something I didn't do when I worked from home), spend time with great team members, and get to really use my brain. I am doing stuff that I find fascinating - and I get to do it in a very accessible building. I can't believe it's already been two weeks since I started, the days are flying by!

One big thing that I have overcome is accepting a cane. I brought my cane to my first day of work. I had never used it before, but I bought a while ago so that when the time came that I needed it, I would have it available. I got the official tour and decided I should take my cane. It was a little weird at first, but I was so glad I had it with me. It is a big building to walk around, and my legs were extra shaky with first-day-of-work-nerves. And now people just know that I have a mobility problem and use a cane. I don't have to explain myself, or try to walk as normal as possible, or be afraid of walking somewhere because it is a bad day and I don't want to trip. Now I am trying to figure out a balance, when to use my cane, and when not to. I want to do my best to walk without it when I can, because I don't want to start relying on the cane. But I also don't want to fall at work. I have found, though, that since starting work my legs have been so much better. I think a big part of it is that I am using them more. When I was working from home it was so easy to just sit on my butt all day and just walk the few meters from the living room to the kitchen. I feel like I have renewed energy and strength. I also most certainly have a renewed sense of confidence. I am so blessed to be able to work!

AND - as if things couldn't get any better, Ben had an interview where I work! We haven't got an offer letter yet, but we have been told it is coming. We won't be on the same team, but our desks will be really close to each other. We can have lunch together and take Wii breaks (the company has a games room). How perfect is this?

We've been asking a lot of questions since we found out there was something wrong with me. Mostly WHY? But recently God has really been holding things together for us. I feel like I haven't been this happy in a long time (not that I've been particularly sad, but living with a disability can really be a constant downer). So I still would love to have working legs, but I know that God is blessing us in so many other ways.

New Job

I am both looking forward to and dreading the coming of Monday. Starting Monday, my life will be very different than it ever has - I start my first full-time, no end in sight job. The job is absolutely perfect for me - it is close to home, the people seem very nice, the work is just what I was looking for, and my disability should be a minor factor in my ability to perform well. I will be a Senior User Interface Engineer, and a large portion of my time will be at the computer and in meetings - there are low physical requirements. I am really looking forward to contributing to something and being part of a team. But I'm still scared. I have been in the building for interviews, and it is very accessible - there aren't even any stairs! But there will be still be lots of walking to do and many new people to meet. What will they think of me? Should I bring a cane? If people ask me why I walk the way I do, what should I say? Sometimes I think using a cane would be a bit liberating because it signals to people that yes, I do have a disability, rather than having them wonder what is up with my walking. It is hard not to worry about this stuff.

Another thing that I am thankful for, though, is that I shared with the interviewers (who I will be working closely with) my disability and what difficulties it presents. It is really comforting to know that they already know - I don't have to worry about how to tell them now, and I don't have to feel like I was hiding something from them when they decided to hire me.

Regardless of my fears of Monday, I just count myself so blessed to be given this opportunity. While my legs don't work so great, God has given me a pretty good brain. And what I am good at and what I like to do is mostly on the computer, so having not so great legs isn't a big deal. Earlier in university I focused more on manufacturing engineering, but certain things happened that steered me away from that after graduation. At the time, I wasn't happy about not going in that direction. But now, I see it as such a blessing! While I am sure I would have done what I needed to do to get my work done, it would be difficult to be a manufacturing engineer with a poor walking ability. God certainly knows what is best for us way before we do. And while I see that over and over again in my life, I still find it difficult to take that perspective when new troubles arise.

This weekend...

This weekend the weather was so lovely. I think spring must be just around the corner. And if it isn't, I am very thankful for the brief showing it has given us recently. I am finding winter to be difficult for me because my spasticity increases when I am cold. A person without HSP might shake and shiver a little when they are cold, but my legs become very stiff, shaky and unstable. The warmth of spring brings more relaxed muscles. Another reason why I am not so much a fan of winter is because I seem to be bound inside. There isn't much to do outside in the winter if you don't plan to be moving. I used to enjoy playing in the snow, going for brisk walks, and snowboarding in the winter. Just staying on my feet in the winter is enough activity for me! I have to be very careful of my footing and often there is snow and ice all over walkways. It is something I would have never really paid attention to - some snow on the walkway, but it can pose real challenges when your feet don't get very high off of the ground. So, with spring weather here, I can finally get outside. I might not be going for a run or playing soccer, but I can enjoy the weather by taking (very) short walks, tossing a frisbee, and just relaxing outside in the sun.

We also had some yummy treats to match the spring weather. I made a variation of Kraft's Peanut Butter and Chocolate Ribbon Dessert. It is a favourite around here. I usually make it in little ramekins so we can easily grab a portion size for a snack. It is so cool and smooth - it melts in your mouth. Our other treat was we opened a bottle of icewine that we bought on our honeymoon (almost 2 years ago). mmmmm. It was a sweet nectar. Here's to spring!

Margaret Bag

This weekend I made a lovely sling bag for my sister-in-law. The pattern came from Oh, Fransson! The look is very similar to the one I made a couple weekends ago, as I used the same brown linen fabric for the outside, and a more colourful print for the lining. I also appliqued on a flower from the lining fabric onto the outside.

It is a very pretty style, but it is quite large. If I was to make it again I might make it a bit smaller. After making these two bags recently, I have so many ideas running through my head for other possibilities! I just need someone else to make something for! Well, and having my own sewing machine would also help. Right now I am using my mom's. So, I can really only get things done on the weekend when we visit. I have a small apartment, so I am looking into a half size sewing machine that I can hide away when I'm not using it. For now, I'm content to get my sewing fixes on the weekend, until my mom has enough of me taking over her sewing room!

Support groups

So, while we don't have any concrete proof that hereditary spastic paraplegia (HSP) is what I have, the neurologist I went to most recently said it is the most likely thing at this point. There isn't really a ton info out there right now, but I did find this website that has a lot of good information: http://www.sp-foundation.org/

There is also a "Support Group" (via email) that you can sign up to. There is a fair bit of activity on it, so choose the daily email if you don't want to clog up your inbox with every message or you can just read the messages online. It is a great place to ask questions, someone is bound to have experience or an opinion.

With Glowing Hearts

The Olympics are over. I can't even really believe it yet. These past few weeks have been so amazing, so heart warming; it is hard to describe. I have always loved the Olympics - our TV stays permanently on during each one. But these were different - they were in Canada. It has been such an awesome opportunity to feel so connected, so one with the other 33 million Canadians who span this enormous country.

So, since February 12, our TV has stayed on almost constantly. I saw 25 of the 26 medals we won live (sorry, 4-man bobsleigh, I was watching men's curling), and many, many other great performances by our fabulous athletes. The other night after watching several gold medal performances I said to my husband that my heart felt 'warm'. The success of our little country in these games and the connection of the people across it has really made an impact on me. I haven't been able to keep dry eyes as I have experienced the stories of these games (like Joannie Rochette).

For a recap of the games: Stephen Brunt Olympic Montage